wat bout pragnant strippers??
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
