please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
