So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you didnt know i had herpes?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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