So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
