the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
