they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
