Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
