I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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