i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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