Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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