She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
