Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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