What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
