tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
