today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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