Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
