I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
