I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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