I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
