My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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