I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
