Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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