I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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