thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
