If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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