Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize