I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
