I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
