I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
