Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
