I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I touched a dick in church today
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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