If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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