I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
