I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
