I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude i'm inner monologue high
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
