finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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