so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
