I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
