So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
