I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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