cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
