so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
