I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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