Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
