this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
