How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
