you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
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Gay?
German.
Pity.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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