I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
