i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
