I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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