There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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