I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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