I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
