dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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