"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
