saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
