i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
