There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i drank out of a bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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